Just a tough weekend.
This afternoon I said goodbye to one of my best friends at the airport. As a man I shouldn’t be too emotional but this time it is very hard for me to control my feelings. Hope he’ll have a good time in California, and I really hope he can grow up to a man.
In the past 6 years, i made few friends. Yes I had many acquaintances, many coworkers, many fellows, but I don’t have a lot of friends. I’m not that kind of easy going person–or, i “pretend” I’m easy going but actually I am not.
Argh my brain is not functional again and I don’t know what I am talking about but I will just keep recording my feelings.
- Greencard. I’ll say I am still working on this and that and I kind have a feeling that my performance is not maximized. I started this job @ 5/2013, and it has been 3 years. This past May I talked with Kay and I was granted an opportunity of getting an employment green card on it. For me, it means something. It means I am very lucky to have this privilege—as a humanity major graduate, I am always the lone survivors everywhere. getting a job, got a h1b lottery, and moving towards a green card. For those CS adn STEM students, that might be way easier since they have 3 years of OPT; and for me I have to precisely calculate everything. Luckily, I’m getting the best result so far.
- day-time work: hard. From my understanding, the job I am doing right now requires 3/10 of my knowledge—if we are talking about how to make a video, an audio clips, a brochure, a poster; but it also requires way more than I can provide mentally. I am not sure whether I took this job too seriously or what, but being an advocate/case manager is beyond my mental limit. As a Chinese, the reason why I move to the United States is because I want to be mentally and financially free; however after seeing something here in the US society, I am not sure whether I am strong enough to handle my life here. Racism, anti-immigration, myths and stereotypes towards Asian/Chinese, and Chinese can’t handle themselves as a group. I feel good that second generation (they call themselves 1st generation because they are born here) is working on a path that few of us first generation immigrants have been fought on—-to fight for a better system—but i do feel that I can’t find good models!!! There aren’t many people like me. I am not saying I’m unique ( I hate being that unique regarding on identity), I am just saying: male, h1b, non-profit, communication studies, albuqeurque—-I have no models to follow. Kay is helping me on some of the issues but she’s my boss and I sense that I am walking on the edge there to be to close to her (again, it’s my problem, not hers, I think she’s trying to help me without reserve). I need either find another mentor or a counselor.
- Family: I am trying to help my parents with business stuff. Sold 1 small machine in the June and earned me about 20K; sold another mesh belt and earned almost 6k for them. Now my goal is to sell another to a US company in October. I just really hope they will be healthy. They are too tired. And my wife—our relationship is getting better. I think she starts to feel how weird life is after living here for a while; and I am adapting a better way to communicate with her. She got her first job as a student. I feel very proud of her. She handled her life pretty well, and that really helped me a lot.
- Relationships (other): I’m glad I met Alex. well at first he gave me a so-so first impression (my problem: I have problem trusting white people? fml?), but he’s very open and sincere with me. He taught me how to use guns, and he has been very supportive regarding me, as a non-immigrant status buying a gun; he has a Chinese girlfriend (I totally support his relationship with Ding) so he knows better Chinese stuff. And he’s young—he’s only 26. But the most important thing is, he’s very open minded—or, mentally more “fluid”, like me. Besides we share a lot of common things like video games, points of views to hot issues, and ways of doing stuff. Well since I have an ego problem I really need to know my boundary with new friends, and I hope I won’t ruin this one.
- MATERIAL: I was trying to save some money but now i’m like wtf i don’t care. I don’t have a plan to buy a house here in Albuquerque; I need a pistol to practice my 7/10/17 yards selling (and, BSO to my friends); I also need a subaru WRX to show that I’m not a Chinese loser. I’d rather be seen as a “stupid rich Chinese guy” other than “a financially so-so Chinese guy”. (sigh i do sound like a loser..)
- MASCULINITY: I need work on this part. which I mean I need to have a stronger body (or at least upper body) to shoot more precisely. Swimming feels good! Good!!! GOOD!!!!
Wow I do feel better after writing all these crap. Woohoo!